


falsettos as dumb texts from my friends’ groupchat

by orphan_account



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, Texting, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23293498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What it says on the tin. Complete crack with no coherence whatsoever. Thanks.
Relationships: Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to produce some more Falsettos content but didn’t have the energy for a real fic so here’s..........this
> 
> Kind of got inspired to do this after reading @bitchassfuckhead’s texting shit fic!!

mendel: i love christopher walken

mendel: i just wanna talk to him he seems like an interesting dude

mendel: he should make asmr

——

whizzer: imdeunk

whizzer: bro i’m drunk

jason: bro

whizzer: drubke

——

mendel: in romeo and juliet, what if juliet just like...........married paris 

mendel: he doesn’t seem like THAT bad of a guy

——

marvin: do you know what’s funny

whizzer: me :)

——

whizzer: bro can i not see marvin after today

trina: nope

whizzer: what the hell bro i’m gonna die

whizzer: three weeks without sex? explain please

mendel: it’s fine pornhub is giving out a free month of premiums

whizzer: it’s not the same......

——

trina: just had a long conversation about hating how other people perceive us ha ha just girly things x

mendel: u ok

——

mendel: what is orgasm anxiety?

mendel: you get off on uncomfortable situations?

whizzer: scared to. organis

charlotte: mendel no

mendel: i have. potentially misread

jason: guys mcdonalds is shutting

——

marvin: .....full “fat” coke?

whizzer: full fat coke

marvin: whizzer that’s just not what it’s called

whizzer: full. fat. cok

whizzer: no

——

cordelia: right. i believe in the rights of all living things and love and appreciate animals including insects

cordelia: but frankly

cordelia: maggots can go to HELL

——

jason: why did my dad think orlando bloom used to go out with rita ora

——

whizzer: just plucked out a nose hair to experience what it was like. guys don’t do it.

mendel: i love to boogie is objectively the best song ever written

——

whizzer: i just panic-opened a bottle of chateauneuf du pape 

——

cordelia: idk if charlotte actually came out to anyone idk if she’s a lesbian or what

——

marvin: i’m mr internalised homophobia i know it when i see it

——

marvin: no man in glee was straight sorry

whizzer: look me on the eye and tell me mr. schue is gay

cordelia: he’s homophobic

——

marvin: i can’t stop staring at my new tattoo

marvin: what should i name him

mendel: herbert

marvin: no

whizzer: whizzer

marvin: no

whizzer: :(

whizzer: jrango

marvin: what? no

mendel: garbo

marvin: what

whizzer: gungle

marvin: please shut up

mendel: I WAS GOING TO SAY GRUNKLE!!!

whizzer: great minds

mendel: call it graham

mendel: call it david schwimmer

mendel: call it jonathan groff

——

jason: my dad just told me the origin of the phrase “hot potatoes” i just know this is what the next few months will be like

——

jason: still not convinced that whizzer’s not a drug dealer dad just said he’s “doing deliveries”

——

whizzer: kick ball stop it

whizzer: goal

whizzer: football stop into goal

whizzer: kick football to friend stop going into goal

whizzer: marvin help

marvin: what

whizzer: can you figure out what i’m saying

marvin: not at all

whizzer: wow ok i though i was being very clear

——

mendel: i really want crepes :(

mendel: gonna make crepes

mendel: maybe

mendel: what if i just eat all the raw ingredients then hug a radiator

——

whizzer: might fuck around and pen a novel

whizzer: guys it’s decided i’m going to get acnh and then write a book

whizzer: also have sex as a little treat

——

marvin: guys what are we going to do for six empty months

whizzer: vibe


	2. [whizzer brown voice] part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i’m back  
> i’m gay and i’m back

marvin: what are the symptoms of having a worm

charlotte: got a worm

marvin: ok thank you that’s cleared it up!

——

cordelia: if someone paid you a million dollars would you drink pee

whizzer: depends how tight on dough i was

mendel: what colour is the pee

cordelia: pee colour

——

trina: is there a collective word for hands and feet??

mendel: limb limbs

——

whizzer: ew the room is yellow???

whizzer: wait

whizzer: my room is yellow

——

whizzer: two pieces of bacon is pathetic it’s got to be at least five

marvin: FIVE??

whizzer: listen i’m trying to keep my cholesterol high and my ass fat what about it

——

mendel: you’re wrong!!

mendel: no one agrees with you!!!

marvin: i know but i’m right to myself

——

**[3:40 p.m.]**

mendel: good morning

trina: WHEN did you go to sleep

mendel: uhh

mendel: 7am-ish

trina: oh my god

mendel: that’s healthy it’s fine

charlotte: it certainly is not

mendel: blah blah blahhhhhhh whateverrrrr

mendel: going to go and get drunk now

trina: n no

——

whizzer: [sends picture of a sign on a gumball machine that reads “assort gumble”]

jason: assort gumble

_**jason_chess.68** has named the group **assort gumble**_

——

marvin: i know only whizzer cares about this

whizzer: bold of you to assume i care

——

marvin: you’ll cry

marvin: i cried and i’m basically a robot

——

jason: my dad keeps talking about baby yoda

marvin: did you know it’s not yoda

——

charlotte: people are so depressed because of this

marvin: i’m not!

charlotte: what’s ur secret

marvin: i was already depressed

——

marvin: watching figure skating whilst crocheting is the gayest thing ever

whizzer: um he’s cross stitching actually

marvin: sorry i’m not GAY

marvin: what’s even the difference

cordelia: SO much

cordelia: they’re just different things

marvin: whatever they’re basically the same

cordelia: no!!!!

marvin: needle in fabric make nice pattern

——

whizzer: marvin is so hot lol

charlotte: whizzer you know how you said you haven’t been to the optician in 10 years??

marvin: FUCK YOU

——

whizzer: we’re all adults yet we’re still absolute dumbasses

jason: we’re not all 18 :(

whizzer: yeah whatever shut up infant

——

trina: speaking of crying i’m doing a bit of that now

——

marvin: god he’s got such a goodffufjkgkg

marvin: sorry i’m having a gay crisis

marvin: he’s g

marvin: ghff

——

mendel: it still hasn’t hit me that i’m not the same age as 16 year olds

——

whizzer: gay time 😎

jason: that’s 24/7 for you


End file.
